Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Nothing changes if nothing changes...

Recently, my life has had some changes... I've started to take a closer look at my self and how my behavior has played a role in these changes. It's hard when a big part of your life is suddenly missing to pick yourself up and make lemonade from such sour lemons. I've had to completely rearrange the way I look at things. I know there are behaviors that I need to change, attitudes I need to get rid of or reverse. "Nothing changes if nothing changes" If I want different results in my life I'm going to have to start doing different things. It's that simple. I want to feel better about myself, be more independent, more productive. I can't think of a better time than now, when I have extra time on my hands, I have things to do, and things I need to NOT do.

This post probably doesn't make much sense to anyone but me, but it's cathartic for me to write it out, and in a few weeks I can look back and hopefully be proud of how far I've come.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Maybe I should...

Someone recently told me that I should think about re-evaluating my life... maybe I should.

I feel like so often, I hurt myself by doing the exact thing that I'm trying so hard not to do. I do things I don't even really want to do, say things I don't even mean, and afterward I'm mad at myself because I brought it all on myself. It's almost always all my fault. That's the frustrating thing. I mess up the things I love the most by doing things I don't even want to do. Maybe it's an issue of self-control, thinking before speaking, chilling OUT!

Friday, January 2, 2009

It's a new year...

So it's been a month. Oops. I've been preoccupied with life and nothing too exciting has happened that I've neglected to blog about. I finished my finals and spent a week of doing nothing with my roommates as they finished out their semesters. Ashley and Jes graduated and got moved out after we had one last adventurous (to say the least) night together. It was a sad day when my three roommates smashed into Jes' over-stuffed car and pulled out of the driveway to take Lu to the airport. I felt overwhelmingly lonely that afternoon.

The next day I went home for a week of Christmas fun with my family. This included a sleepover with Jayda during which we played dolls and "horsey". When it came time for bed I realized that I may not want to have children as much as I once thought I did. She refused to fall asleep even though she was obviously tired, and by midnight, I was more than willing to trade spots with Kelly and let her deal with the unruly little princess. Don't get me wrong, I adore Jayda and I've spent the last three years of my life spoiling her with abandon. But anything that interferes with my sleep is enough to make me question my own ability to be a patient momma.

Now I'm back in Searcy, enjoying time to myself in the house. I've been cleaning, resting, and having fun with Adam and Amy. For new year's eve I went out with Amy to her friend's house. Her friends are so country... there was a bonfire and beer and chicken wings. I had a blast... but by around 9 Amy and I were both exhausted and her little step-daughter Madison was beyond ready for bed. By 11, after a quick sonic trip with Adam, I was in my bed fighting to stay awake until Midnight. Am I really that old?